I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for over two years now, and some of you have been lucky enough to meet the lady herself. She’s pretty, she’s intimidating intelligent, she’s cultured, she’s a sportswoman, she’s funny, she’s a great cook … but most importantly, she’s lovely. This is the kind of girl I got in to the game to meet.
Two years in to this relationship, with a bunch of relationships behind me that didn’t go sooo well, I think I’m finally in a position to start giving some fairly useful relationship advice.
And the first topic I want to cover is jealousy. Two reasons:
1. I used to be insanely jealous, and I cracked it.
2. It seems to be the thing people ask me about the most.
Some Background
A girl called Jenny was the reason I got in to the game. I met her in Sweden, at a wedding, and she was lovely. She was really pretty, really lovely, and for some reason, she took a shine to me. She was the second person I had slept with, and I’d just come out of a pretty abusive relationship. She made the whole thing happen, from start, to finish.
On the same night I met her, a ‘friend’ of mine was there, who was a natural, and had also taken a shine to her. After she’d kissed me, straight away he isolated her to try and kiss her too, even though his at-the-time fiancé was there. He lived in a different country tho, so while I was pissed off, after he left I thought nothing of it.
I flew backwards and forwards to Stockholm to see her, almost every week, even though I was earning very little at the time. I was ultimate wuss-nice-guy. I spent lots of money on her, I always made an effort to do the things she wanted to do. All this time spent seeing her meant I was neglecting my friends and family and life in general.
One weekend we went to see mutual friends, and the natural guy was there. He spent the whole time flirting with her, and I could see her responding to it. It really crushed me. I felt powerless. I didn’t know what I could do.
This girl was a pillar of my reality. She was a bright spot in the pretty dreary life I was living at the time. She made me feel good about myself and confident, that I had such a pretty sophisticated woman with me, even though I had no idea how, why, or what had brought her in to my life (actual answer: she was on the rebound in a major way).
Seeing this guy slowly but surely take her away from me was crushing. He tried to kiss her in front of me several times, and I didn’t know what I could do. When I brought it up with her, she got weird about. My Mum had always complained about my Dad getting jealous when I was younger, and made it out to be a terrible terrible character trait, so not only was I jealous, hurt, and scared of losing this girl, I was also filled with self-loathing and shame for being jealous too. Ouch.
A few weeks later, I found out he’d flown to Stockholm to see her. I rang her up and ended it ‘mutually’ just so I wouldn’t have to tell anyone that really she’d dumped me for him. A year later I found out they were married when I saw some photos of the wedding on a friend’s website.
Exegesis
This messed with me a fair amount. I started to wonder how I could ever trust women again, and also: how could I ever be in a relationship again, if I could go through the pain of watching someone else steal my girlfriend in front of my eyes? Not a great place to be.
More observant readers will have noticed some critical points here however:
I was using this girl as a source of validation – and a major one at that. I felt good about myself because I was with her, not because of me.
I spent a lot of time focusing on this girl, and not on my life in general.
I went out of my way to be as ‘good’ a boyfriend as I could be, all the time, and trying to make sure she was happy.
I got weird and acted jealous.
Explanation
Of those, the first point is by far the most important. Defining your life in terms of girls will mess you up. I promise. Whether it’s in terms of one girl, or in terms of “HEY EVERYONE LOOK AT ALL THE GIRLS I’M SLEEPING WITH” repeated endlessly, it’s a sure-fire way to make yourself very very unhappy in the long run.
You have to see your girlfriend as someone who makes you happy, and someone you want to spend time with. Nothing more, nothing less. Having a girlfriend doesn’t make you a different or more worthy person than you were the day before you had one. Read that line again: it’s a common mental sticking point. In a recent episode of Peepshow, the main weirdo guy has a little monologue about: “Now I can go to the school reunion and show everyone I’m a normal person, with a normal house and a normal fiancé! Ha!”
This is broken. Really broken. Focus your life outside of your girlfriend. Don’t brag about her to your friends. Don’t look at other guy’s girlfriends, and judge yourself against them by that (or by anything, for that matter).
Most importantly: be willing to walk away. Look: your girlfriend should be a source of net joy in your life. Every day. My rule is: if I wake up three mornings in one week and I don’t want to be with my girlfriend at the time, it’s over. Done. Finished. Your girlfriend should be a source of joy and happiness, not a source of drama and misery out of some messed-up feeling of loyalty. If you’re in a relationship, and it’s not ACTIVELY MAKING YOU HAPPY: end it. Now.
Being a good boyfriend
This has been written on at length elsewhere, and I’m tempted to write something lengthy on it myself at some point, but in short: what you’ve been told makes a good boyfriend, and what actually makes a good boyfriend rarely meet.
Girls do not respond well to being allowed to always do what they want when you’re together. Girls do not respond well to there never being any drama (this doesn’t mean you need to argue a lot – I intend to write a lot about this soon – it’s really key). Girls do not respond well to you always doing what they want you to do. Girls do not respond well to you dropping everything and focusing on them, just because something is a little bit wrong.
In short: do what you want. Almost any time she starts an argument, it’s because she’s not feeling loved enough – do NOT try and engage this stuff logically. Read “David Deida – Way of the Superior Man”. Have boundaries. Show her those boundaries. Mark them out. Make sure you mark your territory in every corner of her bedroom, 3.5 times a month (just checking you’re paying attention).
Finally, acceptance
The final piece of the puzzle: if your girlfriend beds another guy, you haven’t changed as a person. You’re still the person you were the day before. To the best of my knowledge, my g/f has never cheated on me – but I’m open to the possibility that some day she’ll sleep with another guy. I accept that. She’s human. It happens. It doesn’t affect my value in the slightest.
Were I to sleep with another girl (and I haven’t and won’t), that hasn’t changed my g/f in the least. I’ve slept with a number of married women, engaged women, women with boyfriends. None of them loved their other halves any less after I slept with them. It didn’t mean anything.
What’s more: getting jealous about it doesn’t help in the slightest. It’s entirely negative. The only thing I can do if I think she’s cheating on me, if I’m getting jealous, is try and be the best boyfriend I can be. Try and be the best option that’s on offer. And utter acceptance of this is the only way forward.
She knows I have options. I’d never tell her that, never rub it in her face, but she knows I have female friends who’d jump at the chance to be with me. She knows I’m an attractive guy who other women want to be with. I make an effort to be that attractive guy still. This stops there being a weird power imbalance in the relationship – something that’s really important.
Dealing with Jealousy in a Relationship
I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for over two years now, and some of you have been lucky enough to meet the lady herself. She’s pretty, she’s intimidating intelligent, she’s cultured, she’s a sportswoman, she’s funny, she’s a great cook … but most importantly, she’s lovely. This is the kind of girl I got in to the game to meet.
Two years in to this relationship, with a bunch of relationships behind me that didn’t go sooo well, I think I’m finally in a position to start giving some fairly useful relationship advice.
And the first topic I want to cover is jealousy. Two reasons:
1. I used to be insanely jealous, and I cracked it.
2. It seems to be the thing people ask me about the most.
Some Background
A girl called Jenny was the reason I got in to the game. I met her in Sweden, at a wedding, and she was lovely. She was really pretty, really lovely, and for some reason, she took a shine to me. She was the second person I had slept with, and I’d just come out of a pretty abusive relationship. She made the whole thing happen, from start, to finish.
On the same night I met her, a ‘friend’ of mine was there, who was a natural, and had also taken a shine to her. After she’d kissed me, straight away he isolated her to try and kiss her too, even though his at-the-time fiancé was there. He lived in a different country tho, so while I was pissed off, after he left I thought nothing of it.
I flew backwards and forwards to Stockholm to see her, almost every week, even though I was earning very little at the time. I was ultimate wuss-nice-guy. I spent lots of money on her, I always made an effort to do the things she wanted to do. All this time spent seeing her meant I was neglecting my friends and family and life in general.
One weekend we went to see mutual friends, and the natural guy was there. He spent the whole time flirting with her, and I could see her responding to it. It really crushed me. I felt powerless. I didn’t know what I could do.
This girl was a pillar of my reality. She was a bright spot in the pretty dreary life I was living at the time. She made me feel good about myself and confident, that I had such a pretty sophisticated woman with me, even though I had no idea how, why, or what had brought her in to my life (actual answer: she was on the rebound in a major way).
Seeing this guy slowly but surely take her away from me was crushing. He tried to kiss her in front of me several times, and I didn’t know what I could do. When I brought it up with her, she got weird about. My Mum had always complained about my Dad getting jealous when I was younger, and made it out to be a terrible terrible character trait, so not only was I jealous, hurt, and scared of losing this girl, I was also filled with self-loathing and shame for being jealous too. Ouch.
A few weeks later, I found out he’d flown to Stockholm to see her. I rang her up and ended it ‘mutually’ just so I wouldn’t have to tell anyone that really she’d dumped me for him. A year later I found out they were married when I saw some photos of the wedding on a friend’s website.
Exegesis
This messed with me a fair amount. I started to wonder how I could ever trust women again, and also: how could I ever be in a relationship again, if I could go through the pain of watching someone else steal my girlfriend in front of my eyes? Not a great place to be.
More observant readers will have noticed some critical points here however:
Explanation
Of those, the first point is by far the most important. Defining your life in terms of girls will mess you up. I promise. Whether it’s in terms of one girl, or in terms of “HEY EVERYONE LOOK AT ALL THE GIRLS I’M SLEEPING WITH” repeated endlessly, it’s a sure-fire way to make yourself very very unhappy in the long run.
You have to see your girlfriend as someone who makes you happy, and someone you want to spend time with. Nothing more, nothing less. Having a girlfriend doesn’t make you a different or more worthy person than you were the day before you had one. Read that line again: it’s a common mental sticking point. In a recent episode of Peepshow, the main weirdo guy has a little monologue about: “Now I can go to the school reunion and show everyone I’m a normal person, with a normal house and a normal fiancé! Ha!”
This is broken. Really broken. Focus your life outside of your girlfriend. Don’t brag about her to your friends. Don’t look at other guy’s girlfriends, and judge yourself against them by that (or by anything, for that matter).
Most importantly: be willing to walk away. Look: your girlfriend should be a source of net joy in your life. Every day. My rule is: if I wake up three mornings in one week and I don’t want to be with my girlfriend at the time, it’s over. Done. Finished. Your girlfriend should be a source of joy and happiness, not a source of drama and misery out of some messed-up feeling of loyalty. If you’re in a relationship, and it’s not ACTIVELY MAKING YOU HAPPY: end it. Now.
Being a good boyfriend
This has been written on at length elsewhere, and I’m tempted to write something lengthy on it myself at some point, but in short: what you’ve been told makes a good boyfriend, and what actually makes a good boyfriend rarely meet.
Girls do not respond well to being allowed to always do what they want when you’re together. Girls do not respond well to there never being any drama (this doesn’t mean you need to argue a lot – I intend to write a lot about this soon – it’s really key). Girls do not respond well to you always doing what they want you to do. Girls do not respond well to you dropping everything and focusing on them, just because something is a little bit wrong.
In short: do what you want. Almost any time she starts an argument, it’s because she’s not feeling loved enough – do NOT try and engage this stuff logically. Read “David Deida – Way of the Superior Man”. Have boundaries. Show her those boundaries. Mark them out. Make sure you mark your territory in every corner of her bedroom, 3.5 times a month (just checking you’re paying attention).
Finally, acceptance
The final piece of the puzzle: if your girlfriend beds another guy, you haven’t changed as a person. You’re still the person you were the day before. To the best of my knowledge, my g/f has never cheated on me – but I’m open to the possibility that some day she’ll sleep with another guy. I accept that. She’s human. It happens. It doesn’t affect my value in the slightest.
Were I to sleep with another girl (and I haven’t and won’t), that hasn’t changed my g/f in the least. I’ve slept with a number of married women, engaged women, women with boyfriends. None of them loved their other halves any less after I slept with them. It didn’t mean anything.
What’s more: getting jealous about it doesn’t help in the slightest. It’s entirely negative. The only thing I can do if I think she’s cheating on me, if I’m getting jealous, is try and be the best boyfriend I can be. Try and be the best option that’s on offer. And utter acceptance of this is the only way forward.
She knows I have options. I’d never tell her that, never rub it in her face, but she knows I have female friends who’d jump at the chance to be with me. She knows I’m an attractive guy who other women want to be with. I make an effort to be that attractive guy still. This stops there being a weird power imbalance in the relationship – something that’s really important.